A crap in the hand is worth two in the loo....?

It's possible you may recognise this post from the Love All Blogs Controversy Corner.. That's because it was posted there first.  It's basically what kicked the idea for this blog off.  I thought it only right it have pride of place up here as well.. after all, as many people as possible need to hear stories about poo.  Don't you think?

About 6 years ago we were having our bathroom re-fitted. On this fateful day the builders had arrived early, about 7:30am I think and I hadn’t had time to have a wash. At this point we didn’t have any washing facilities as the builders had taken everything out, apart from the loo.. even that wasn’t flushing, so we were using a bucket to flush it..anyway, they arrived early that morning and I hadn’t had my “sink wash” in the kitchen, which is what we were having to do as that was the only room with running water.

My husband had already left for work already, so I saw the builders into the house and they went up to get started. I was just about to go into the kitchen and get myself washed when they shouted down to say they’d removed the loo.. OK! I shouted back up…  Now, back to business.  I wedge the kitchen door shut with a chair because of course it has no lock and then get set up to wash.

Mid wash, completely starkers, I realise I have to pee.. OK, I think.. that’s not so bad. There’s no loo.. I’m naked.. I’ve not got many options.  I grab a pint glass (my used water glass from the night before, sitting on the counter top) and pee into it.. Unfortunately, I drank rather a lot the night before and it turns out a pink glass is not sufficient so I grab my half drunk mug of herbal tea and carry on peeing into that.. I’m just about finished with my wee when I realise.. oh bugger… I have to poo!!!

There is nothing I can do at this point.. you know how it is when you reach the point of no return… Trouble is, there’s no room left in the pint glass or the mug.

There’s just my hands… So… yup. I shit into my hands.  I’m then thinking what the bloody hell do I do with this? The pee is ok… I can put that down the kitchen sink.. it’s a bit gross but not too bad.

But a poo?

And remember, there is no loo in the house.. let alone the fact I’m nude and the only other people in the house are a group of burly builders.

I grab some kitchen towel and wrap it in that.. then I search around for a carrier bag and pop it in there..

I still have to dispose of it though…  So… I end up hiding it in the kitchen, hoping the builders don’t come in for a cup of tea and wonder what the hell the smell is..

I finish off my wash and get dressed and set off for work. Not forgetting to take my bag of shit with me..

I walk merrily on my way to work, smiling awkwardly as pass other pedestrians, knowing of course that I am swinging around a stinking bag of poop in my hands and hoping they can’t smell it!  I dispose of it in a public bin which is unfortunately right next to a bus stop… just swing it in there, like it’s just any old rubbish and hope to God the people at the bus stop don’t smell anything amiss.. and then continue on to work.. where I keep laughing too myself all day long!!

Nice!