A crap in the hand is worth two in the loo....?

It's possible you may recognise this post from the Love All Blogs Controversy Corner.. That's because it was posted there first.  It's basically what kicked the idea for this blog off.  I thought it only right it have pride of place up here as well.. after all, as many people as possible need to hear stories about poo.  Don't you think?

About 6 years ago we were having our bathroom re-fitted. On this fateful day the builders had arrived early, about 7:30am I think and I hadn’t had time to have a wash. At this point we didn’t have any washing facilities as the builders had taken everything out, apart from the loo.. even that wasn’t flushing, so we were using a bucket to flush it..anyway, they arrived early that morning and I hadn’t had my “sink wash” in the kitchen, which is what we were having to do as that was the only room with running water.

My husband had already left for work already, so I saw the builders into the house and they went up to get started. I was just about to go into the kitchen and get myself washed when they shouted down to say they’d removed the loo.. OK! I shouted back up…  Now, back to business.  I wedge the kitchen door shut with a chair because of course it has no lock and then get set up to wash.

Mid wash, completely starkers, I realise I have to pee.. OK, I think.. that’s not so bad. There’s no loo.. I’m naked.. I’ve not got many options.  I grab a pint glass (my used water glass from the night before, sitting on the counter top) and pee into it.. Unfortunately, I drank rather a lot the night before and it turns out a pink glass is not sufficient so I grab my half drunk mug of herbal tea and carry on peeing into that.. I’m just about finished with my wee when I realise.. oh bugger… I have to poo!!!

There is nothing I can do at this point.. you know how it is when you reach the point of no return… Trouble is, there’s no room left in the pint glass or the mug.

There’s just my hands… So… yup. I shit into my hands.  I’m then thinking what the bloody hell do I do with this? The pee is ok… I can put that down the kitchen sink.. it’s a bit gross but not too bad.

But a poo?

And remember, there is no loo in the house.. let alone the fact I’m nude and the only other people in the house are a group of burly builders.

I grab some kitchen towel and wrap it in that.. then I search around for a carrier bag and pop it in there..

I still have to dispose of it though…  So… I end up hiding it in the kitchen, hoping the builders don’t come in for a cup of tea and wonder what the hell the smell is..

I finish off my wash and get dressed and set off for work. Not forgetting to take my bag of shit with me..

I walk merrily on my way to work, smiling awkwardly as pass other pedestrians, knowing of course that I am swinging around a stinking bag of poop in my hands and hoping they can’t smell it!  I dispose of it in a public bin which is unfortunately right next to a bus stop… just swing it in there, like it’s just any old rubbish and hope to God the people at the bus stop don’t smell anything amiss.. and then continue on to work.. where I keep laughing too myself all day long!!

Nice!

Get your tits out for the lads!

Many many years ago (a lot of my stories start like this!) I was a randy 18 year old.  I liked to go out, like most 18 year olds do, and with a few drinks inside me, I could get a bit risque when in a club with a young man.

Shortly after getting A Level results, my friends and I decided on a last night out together before most of us went away to Uni.  Nothing unusual there.  It was a normal night out.  Dressed up to the nines, short skirts, heels, skimpy tops.  The usual.  I had my fella with me (he is my husband now, so that is some consolation at least!).  We had been going from bar to bar and many drinks had been consumed.  At around 11pm we settled ourselves into a club for the rest of the night.  It was one of those clubs with lots of nooks and crannies, dark dingy hiding places.  The kind of place for dirty dancing.  At least, that's how I, in my randy booze fulled state interpreted it.

After a few raunchy dances, boy and I settled ourselves in one of these nooks for a bit of nearly nookie.  Well.. at first it was just a LOT of snogging.  But I was feeling horny.  I suddenly decided it really would be a great idea to whop out my bangers.  I remember the look on my (now husbands) face.  It was partly excitement, but mostly shock.  Actually.. I think he was embarrassed.  We carried on with our snogging whilst my boobs flapped around in what quite frankly was an annoying manner.  I think at this point hubby (bless him) tucked them away for me.  He made some comment something along the lines off "at least it's quiet in here!" when we heard a loud "EHEM" behind us.  We both turned around to be greeted by the faces of two burly but grinning (in a leery manner) bouncers.  "You do realised we have security cameras in here, don't you?" they started laughing, and seeing I was suitably ashamed looking, walked off muttering "great tits though".

Really.  What slutty behaviour.  How did the man end up marrying me?

Eye eye

What's the worst thing you've ever found in your eye?

A year or so ago I had something really itchy in my eye, but try as I might, I couldn't locate anything.  For days I poked and pulled trying to see what was irritating my eye... it was beginning to look red and weepy and very sore.

After a couple of days I was thinking I'd have to head to the Doctors.  I decided to have one last good poke around in there before booking... because we all know what a pain in the ass it is getting an appointment and hanging around in the surgery.

So.. poking around in my eye for a final time, I finally got "lucky".  I pulled something out.  It was long and covered in a gooey substance.  I laid it out on a piece of tissue and had a look (whilst enjoying the reliefe in my eyeball!!).  What I saw made me feel just a little sick.

It was a big black curly pube.

I had been walking around for three days with a fricking pube in my eye.

I would like to say it must have got in there due to some amazing sexual act but I'm afraid not.  I believe it got in there when I was shaving my bikini line in the shower.

At least it was one of my own.

Look what I found in Mummy's draw!

When I was 18 I used to look after a little boy on Saturdays.  He was a strange little thing who didn't receive a great deal of attention.  It was unfortunate really.  The poor thing looked forward to every Saturday when he would have my undivided attention.

As soon as I arrived on a Saturday to look after him and his Mum had gone to work, he wanted to play his favourite game.  It was a simple game.  All I had to do was chase him around the house.

Like most little boys, he was excitable and prone to misjudging things in his way, falling over, running too fast, tripping.. the usual!  Most of all he loved to run around his Mum's room so he could bounce across the double bed.

One ill-fated morning he was doing just this when I heard a huge crash.  I ran in to find he had bounced off the bed and landed against the chest of draws, knocking off the front of one of the draws... Shit! I thought.   How am I going to explain this?  His Mum was not a fan of the "run around the house" game and would not be best pleased that he had been jumping and running around her bedroom.. let alone broken the draw.  I had a closer look at the broken draw.  Luckily it looked fairly simple to fix, if I could get my Dad round.  Phew.

Whilst my detailed inspection of the damage had been going on, the young man in my charge had been running around like a headless chicken behind me.  I started to tune in to what he was yelling.  Thinking back (and this was a while ago now) I believe he was yelling something along the lines of "What is this?  It's very waggy!  It's wobbly!!! Maybe it's a sword!  I'm going to play with it..."  Intrigued, I turned around to see what on earth he had found that was so interesting.  And I froze.

IT WAS A FUCKING MASSIVE COCK.

A HUGE GREAT FUCKSTICK.

A VEIN COVERED DILDO OF OUTRAGEOUS PROPORTIONS.

And he was waggling it in my face.

And it had an odour...

I honestly did not know what to say.  He started brandishing it at me whilst shouting "en guard".
I had to ask..

"Where did you get that?"

"It fell out of Mummy's draw".

"Have you ever seen if before?" I asked (hmmm... I don't know why.  I suppose I was wondering if he knew it would be in there).

"No!" he says.  "What is it?" he asks.

How do you answer this? I really didn't have a clue.  I believe my response was something along the lines of "I'm not sure.  I think we should put it back in the draw though!".

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" He shouts.  "Chase me! Chase me!".  And off he ran...

It took me 25 minutes before I managed to catch the little sod and convince him we had to get this "thing" back in the draw.  Of course, he wasn't willing.. He threw the blasted thing on the floor and told me to put it in there.  I wrapped the disgusting item in a towel and shoved it back in there..

I realised of course that it was even more important that I get this draw fixed before the boy's mother arrived home.  There was no way I wanted to tell her the draw that held her huge (no doubt used) dildo in was broken.  I got my Dad on the phone and got him over to fix the draw pronto.  I prayed he wouldn't see it whilst working on fixing it.  Luckily my father is pretty oblivious.

I got away with it.. but not without emotional scars.  When I think of it now, it is connected in my mind with this scene from American Pie 2.  Chances are you might now it.  The house chase was rather like this, just rated U.  Well.. apart from the addition of a dildo..

I wonder if that little boy ever asked his mother if he could play with her big waggy sword sometime?  I don't think I'll ever know..thankfully!

A kind of introduction..

For as long as I can remember I have been one of those people who embarrassing things happen to.  Everyone has those odd embarrassing moments, but I truly believe some of us "suffer" more than others.  I am one of those.

Due to a late night conversation with Mammasaurus and A Mummy Too I have been spurred on to blog about these tales of woe, amusement and grossness... Albeit anonymously!  I will tell you that I am not new to blogging, but my other blogs are simply not the right place for these stories.

In the future, I hope to open up this blog to other poor sufferers who wish to share their tales, but in a safe environment.  Think of me like the AA of embarrassing stories.  Actually, I imagine going to an AA meeting would provide you with lots of embarrassing tales...

Anyway, enough of an introduction.  I hope tonight to bring you the first proper entry, so I will get on with that.